Myopic Thoughts

Piliavin, et. al. introduced a concept known as diffusion of responsibility (DOR), where the idea is that people are less likely to help someone if
there are others present, because they perceive responsibility as being
shared between all present, and therefore see themselves as being less
personally responsible. This is also known as ‘bystander apathy’.

Recently, I’ve been encountering this concept to the point of discomfort and inconvenience. To put it simply, I’ve only begun to realize how lack of cohesion in a group tends to increase the probability of DOR happening; somehow more people became more dependent on other people’s efforts. There are a select few who manage to break the mold but the majority remains to be just observers from afar. It’s sad to think that a handful of you work your asses off just so you could carry the lot to the safety zone while the rest just sit there and wait for you to finish your task - as if you were their personal servant. In the end, no one even appreciates what you’ve done for them; they’re simply satisfied knowing they got through the ordeal without even lifting a finger.

I wish people played more active roles instead of merely having a reactive stance (i.e. next-door neighbor’s house caught on fire and you just say "kawawa naman" instead of dialling the fire department’s number and doing what you can to help.) Stephen Covey taught me a lot (well, no, not personally; just his books on the 7 habits) on how it is better to work your way through a problem than just commenting on what’s happening from a safe distance and letting other people deal with it. In the years before my medical education I kept instilling these values into my subordinates, always with conviction, sometimes with gentle prodding, and never with tyranny. Now that I’m back to being a student, I honestly find it hard to gather people and motivate them to do what needs to be done. Leadership in a community that sees itself as communistic would prove to be difficult if the mindset is all about an impaired sense of equality. If you stand out too much or too long you get sacked. It takes a great deal of  courage to stay true to yourself amidst an apathetic crowd.

I hope the Lord gives me (and anyone who has ever tried leading by example) enough grace to preserve my integrity as a person with values and virtues, that I may never abandon the moral principles I have embraced throughout my existence, and that I may be strong enough to actually pass them on to people in my everyday life.

One.

My mom broke the news today - she has just received an all-expense paid trip to Rome! "Appointed by Assumption College as the representative of the school to witness the canonization of Bl. Marie Eugenie in Vatican City". Wow.

Two.

My friends and I just saw 300. What a fantastic example of a movie masterpiece. It was like seeing a graphic novel come to life. Literally. Gerard Butler fit the role to a T. All the gritty details of the comic book were present. Hardcore action.  Predictable plot - yes, but hey, Anybody who has ever read on the Battle of Thermopylae would know how everything was gonna end. It’s the depiction that gives justice to this film. I liked the fact that the scenes (man, the colors - THE COLORS!!!) remained faithful to the graphic novel. Frank Miller would be proud.

Three.

I saw her. When I thought the odds were greater that I wouldn’t. I saw her. In UP Manila, right after the quizbee. She was more beautiful than ever. That smile. The way she turned around as I called out her name. Our candid shaking of hands as she approached me, finding it funny that, after all this time, I was still dumbstruck and fumbling for the right words to say. There is one word I can use to describe it: 

Magical.

Today was another good day. And no one, not even the Persian King can take it away from me.

Molon labe!

In a seminary near our place there’s this priest I look up to. To me he gives really meaningful homilies, and not just that, he takes from real life experience (his own, actually) and shows us that God indeed works in our daily lives.

His name is Fr. Philip Lasatin, SDB. I usually go to him for confession. Earlier this evening he was the celebrant, and the Gospel was about Jesus’ transfiguration. His homily focused on miracles that happen everyday and how we fail to see them due to all the distractions of the world. He told a story that went something like this:

There was a hunter who went out to shoot fowls for the first time. He found a nice spot near the lake and together with his retriever, waited for the birds to appear.

Suddenly, a huge flock flew into the sky. The hunter aimed his rifle and made his first shot. Bang! A fowl fell from the sky and landed on the lake. At this point the hunter was expecting his dog to jump into the lake, swim towards the dead fowl, retrieve it and bring it back to him, since all retrievers are trained to be good water dogs - dogs that can swim. To his surprise, his dog ran on the surface of the water! His jaw dropped, for he couldn’t believe what he just saw. Bewildered, he decided to shoot another fowl, just to be sure he wasn’t dreaming. The clever dog ran again on top of the water, taking the fowl and bringing it back to its master. This time the hunter decided he should bring somebody with him to witness what he just saw. So he ran back to his house, found a friend of his, and told the guy to come back with him to the lake. When they arrived at the spot the hunter told his friend he’s about to see something that will amaze him. He then proceeded to shoot another fowl out of the sky. Bang! A bird fell and out came the hunter’s dog, doing its miraculous run on the lake. After it has retrieved the fowl, the hunter then asked his friend what he thought of the dog. The friend, with a look of disappointment, said:

"Man, I feel sorry for you. You retriever dog doesn’t know how to swim.

I found it funny, and at the same time I saw how irrevocably true it was in our time. Often we tend to see only what is natural; we forget that there are things beyond the expected. As such we fail to appreciate the good stuff the Lord bestows upon us. We let negativity touch us, and in so doing, we fall into despair. Only when we realize that God is constantly with us, ready to make our broken lives whole again can we see with clarity the miracles that abound in our day-to-day existence.

Fr. Lasatin ended his homily with a magic trick: he showed us a long rope, proceeded to cut it into four pieces, then tied the ends to bring the rope back in one piece. He then shoved the rope into one fisted hand, and when he pulled it out, the knots disappeared, and the rope was whole again.He said that the rope represents our imperfect life, most of the time broken and wounded. We try to pick up the pieces, but even if we manage to bring them all back together, it won’t be the same again. It is only when we remember God’s love for us, and His constant presence in our lives that we begin to realize we can be whole again.

Today has been a great day for me. A day full of miracles.

I wrote this today because I’m depressed. Underrated. Typecast. Mistrusted.

Don’t Bleed

Don’t bleed my heart, don’t bleed,
Should the lovely deer just prance away,
It only means your love is freed,
It waits for yet another day

Don’t bleed my heart, don’t bleed
You’re worth more than the flowers in May,
And if that day is all you need
Then know that love is here to stay.
————-
I guess when you feel it, you feel it.

We won. Best Original Composition for my song "Left". The band didn’t see it coming; I didn’t see it coming. What a night.

Mike, Boks, JM, John, Kissy -you guys rock.

Rebel Parking Rulezzz!!!

Angst \ n [akin to L angustus] : a feeling of anxiety : DREAD

Well it wasn’t what I thought it meant; angst used to be for me an embittered emotion over something. Now Mr. Webster defines it as related to worrying.

What is it with the ominous feeling of unwellness everytime there’s something unforeseen coming one’s way? I hate the fact that it gets to you; you loathe the feeling. You want to get rid of it as soon as possible.

Take for example an injured rib you suspect to be fractured. You go to a doctor asking him if he could give you the authorization/orders for a CXR only to be told it’s unnecessary because fractured ribs are seldom or in most cases never treated for as long as they haven’t damaged the lung parenchyma or its adjacent internal structures. He would go on to tell you that ribs have a certain resilience when it comes to blunt injuries and that in the absence of a hematoma and/or apnea/dyspnea/tachypnea the possibility of a pneumothorax/hemothorax is next to nil. He would then advise you to stop worrying, get some analgesics and be on your way. And that’s that.

But what if he’s wrong? What if that seemingly innocent injury precipitated a series of events that eventually shortened your life here on Earth? What if that injured rib started fibrosing and the reparative process eventually created a fistula with the parietal pleura and with each inspiration that fistula creates incremental tears dealing massive damage and yielding every form of recovery impossible?

What if that happens?

And there, as countless novelists, journalists, actors, filibustering politicians (not to mention hypochondriacs like me) and other famous people would say, lies the rub.

Angst. Anxiety. Dread. Fear.  Companions of men since the beginning of time. To experience such things is nothing but a part of human nature. To cope with the tribulations they bring has been a life-long task; and with this, I have presented their essence, not to impose what they ought to do to one’s life but simply to describe them, as I see them.

Lola Terry passed away yesterday, January 10, 2007, at 3:45pm. God rest her soul.

I love you lola. Watch over us.

I am up — widely awake. My body doesn’t want to lie down and rest. It’s already 4 in the morning; I’ve to be in school by 8. For two straight nights it’s been like this, an unexplainable, mystical air of insomnia taking over me(or so I’d like to believe).

I’m back to watching anime; Read Or Die must be one of the most excellent animated series I’ve ever seen; brilliant mix of die-hard action and effortless humor with a bit of effective drama to boot. All 26 episodes were substantially good INMHO. I place R.O.D up there with my faves Full Metal Panic!, Initial D, Bakuretsu Tenshi, Rurouni Kenshin, Samurai 7, Devilman, Ghost In the Shell and of course, Akira.

There’s really something about the nocturnal hours that keeps people like me wasting my time — defying the need to rest; Maybe it’s the sweet silence that permeates the room, or maybe just the stillness that makes everything so damn clear. I dunno. What I do know is that the serenity of twilight soothes me in ways the chaos of daytime cannot.

It’s now 8:37pm - I’m taking a break and making this blog at an internet cafe in Robinson’s Place Ermita. I’ve been watching over my grandma who’s been confined since December 25, 2006 (yep, you heard me right). It’s funny, but I think this has been the best Christmas that has ever happened to me. No sarcasm. Yes, I missed noche buena; yes, I missed hanging out with my cousins, yes, I spent Christmas eve inside a cold hospital room; but guess what - I kinda like it. Being in the hospital. Talking with the nurses, asking the residents stuff about medicine, staying with my patient (granny). Fits altogether. A taste of what’s to come. And I feel pretty good just being able to find meaning in all of this.

Time to get back to Manila Doctors. My aunt’s getting ready to leave.

Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year!

This song (by UpDharmaDown)has been haunting me for the past few days; I don’t know why. Somehow it speaks to me, or maybe it’s just my imagination. Still, it’s probably the inevitable consequence of me (for four straight days, imagine that) drinking nuthin’ but booze, booze, and oh, hey, more booze. Stupid, yeah?

Last night (since now it’s already 1:20 am) we played the songs for the 8th novena mass. We didn’t suck, but we didn’t excel either. It was a pretty ho-hum performance. I guess we (the band) were all tired. Tried real hard to do it for the Lord.  Personally, I’m experiencing a "holiday dryness" (if there’s such a thing); I don’t feel it’s Christmas time. I dunno, maybe I need something to perk me up.I just don’t know what it is exactly. Maybe I’ll find out, maybe I won’t; who knows? Who cares?

Just a few more days and I’ll be back in school, working my way through medschool.

Tch.

*big sigh*