Myopic Thoughts

Wow. (O.o)   I guess PAGASA, DepEd, and CHED did their homework. This was the strongest typhoon I’ve ever experienced. Milenyo really made a mess outta CERIS I village. Now all we have are broken cables, fallen trees, smashed windows, destroyed walls (you name it). Worst of all…NO ELECTRICITY AND WATER SUPPLY!!! Hot-diggity-dawg! (Miraculously, I’m running this laptop on batteries alone  -which gives me just 20 more mins. to finish this blog)

I was observing the storm as it passed by our place, and it was nifty how from 9:00am to 11:15am the wind was pushing everything to the right, and then for about 8 to 10 minutes there was a lull, as if everything stopped - (I’m guessing this was the ‘eye’ of the storm), and then suddenly from 11:25am ’til 1:10pm the mighty wind roared again, this time sending things to the left. Let’s see: 2 hours- blowing to the right, 10 minutes- calm weather, and then 2 hours- blowing to the left as it went north. Amazing. There’s you’re proof that even if you don’t see the weather from satellite feeds you know it’s moving in a clockwise direction. Cool.

But not really. I’m alarmed that my friends staying at their dormitories have texted me saying they are already on the roof of their buildings, barely being able to salvage their stuff from their aquarium-like rooms (some said the water was already neck-high!) and trying to find ways to get food. In Biñan!

I hope everything goes back to normal soon. Grateful as I am for being spared, I don’t like the fact that some people may not even see the light of day when tomorrow comes.

God help them.

God help us.

Three days ago, my classmate (and good friend) Marmie invited me to the canteen for some corn concoction (I dunno what it’s called - it’s that semi-liquid thing with corn kernels topped with powdered cheese and some sugar - oh and I like it) and we got to talk about relationships, how some fail and others succeed, and I kinda ended up saying something like this: "You know Marmie one thing that probably keeps most people from enjoying a new relationship is that they forget to clean the glass before pouring in some juice or other beverage. There’s still some milk inside." Well, I guess the metaphor fits. I’m thinking, a lot of us are afraid to venture into something we fear would hurt us, consciously or subconsciously, especially if that "something" resembles stuff from our past. And so, consciously or subconsciously, we tend to "freeze" the memories, making the mistake of jumping in too fast and realizing that "the juice still tastes like milk" because we haven’t thoroughly emptied ourselves to let new things -good things-things that aren’t meant to co-exist with old things-come in.

It’s not an easy thing to do, I admit…but it pays to keep on trying. Because if I keep my head high and trust in what the Big Guy wants for me, I know someday I’ll be able to get rid of the aftertaste.

"Aaminin ko sayo, it kinda triggered something inside when I saw her leave, but I steeled my heart. There was no way I’m letting myself go back to that cold, uncomfortable place."

I saw her. Earlier, during a friend’s birthday event. I saw her. And it was weird, feeling what I felt. I dunno, but as my cousin pointed to the girl who just walked in, my eyes darted to where she was…and I just stopped. I was waiting for that familiar ‘thumping’ in my heart, that ridiculous dysnea that lasted for 10-15 seconds -but they weren’t there. Yes, I stopped. But not as long as I expected to…

After that, my friend’s party went by like the page 2 news. Nothing remarkable.

At 6 pm I asked those who hitched with me if we could say farewell to the celebrant and head for home; we left the establishment, and just outside, she said goodbye to us and went on her way.

I dunno why I didn’t talk to her seriously. I dunno why I didn’t offer her a ride home. I dunno why.

I don’t want to analyze things this time. I want to leave it at that.

Hey,

(not that I’m presuming or even hoping that you are…but…)

If you’re reading this entry, I just want you to know I didn’t want to complicate things by bringing up whatever unsettled issues we…or I…have, fully knowing how long it has been since I last saw you. I wanted to take you home, to at least let you know that it’s alright, I’m alright, that I’m not mad at you (not that I have any reason or right to be), and that what happened to us is okay.  At the last minute though, something told me you didn’t need any of it. So I turned my back and waited for the others to see you off. I thought that was the best thing to do. And looking back, I guess it really was.

So before I regress to the melodrama, I’ll just end this pseudoletter and say - I’m glad I saw you today.

——-

shit. Mitch, you stupid retard.

If ever I had to pick a day to use the word exasperated, today would be it. Strange as it may seem, I am tired, sooo tired of speaking. Sooo tired of trying. There are battles to be won, indeed, but today did not seem like a day of triumph. Today was probably more of a retreat from waging wars. This affected me so bad, it made me write a poem. And then it made me write a prayer.

The poem…

Back To Wearing My Mask

Back to wearing my mask
I’ve no strength left
The light inside has faded
That once a valiant knight stood
Now only a cowardly squire remains.

The prayer…

A Prayer

I will never be lost again.

Last Saturday we (a few good men…and two women - I’m referring to SBO members) were able to finish decorating the lobby for the Medicine Week 2006 exhibit. I kinda felt nostalgic as this was precisely what I had been doing in the days gone by (meaning college daze in UST; even later when I was already working for various companies) when I, together with a handful of volunteers would spend hours late into the night just to bring to completion ideas that turned into working pieces of art. Many times we’ve been called to design/layout the venue for a specific event, i.e. graduation ceremonies, Paskuhan, college week , etc. and though we get very little support or worse, nada for it, there is a certain "joy" that I feel whenever I participate in these things.  Perhaps it’s the bond that I share with those that I work with, the happiness of knowing we are capable of selfless acts, or the incredible feeling that comes with achieving great things even when there’s only so little to begin with. These people, the ones who dared to make a difference, even at the expense of their own comfort makes me so damn
proud. The president who’s more active than some of her constituents; The vice-president who stood by her side; The rebel who didn’t have to work but gave so much more than wish us good luck; The female artist who shared what she knew and dived into the project with gusto; The playboy treasurer who made sure everyone in the group was primed for the activity (IOW not hungry, hehe); lastly, the gentle Fil-Am tourist who probably wasn’t used to staying up as late as 2am just to work his ass off. - You’re all heroes, though the world may not know of it. I see in you leaders worthy of respect; for a true leader leads by example. A true leader is one who does the right thing, the noble thing, even when no one is looking. A true leader is a diligent servant.

So kudos to us, and though this simple feat may seem trifling to some, to me, it is a great achievement. Because by doing what we have done, we’ve awakened a sleeping giant. And you know what I mean.

Ad Majorem Natus! (Born for Greater Things!) -St. John Bosco